The Virtue of Being Small

Anonymity. I figured I'd have a lot of it here. But I didn't expect to have the reaction I did. Nobody cares what I'm wearing, what I'm thinking, that my socks don't match. In a city this size, riding the metro, everyone thinking their own things, on their way to their own destinations, being anonymous is a default state of being. I don't have to look for it - anonymity finds me. And for a few days, I felt lonely.

I live in the Plateau, north of St. Laurent street, the unofficial dividing line between English Montreal and the French neighborhoods. I began asking people if they spoke Spanish if I couldn't manage the conversation in French. I met Luz Piedad and her sister at the corner store; they're from Colombia. I met Jose from Portugal whose wife is Chilean, so he speaks Spanish. I met the old woman who works the patisserie outside the Sherbrooke station and thinks it's hilarious that in Mexico, palmiers are called "orejones" or big ears.

Part of me expected this time to be about me, and while it most certainly is, it doesn't begin with me. As silly as this may sound, I'm learning more about myself in the reflections seen in the people I meet.

And I'm learning that there is so much I don't know. The gym is a constant reminder of that. After being flipped over Ryan's (some kid from Pointe St. Charles, a pretty rough Irish neighborhood) hip and shoulder about 100 times on Monday, I kept thinking how weak I am, physically and mentally. It required so much effort to get up again only to get dropped again.

Then the boxing started and I found home. More than keep up, I excelled. My hands were faster than my opponents, my reflexes sharper, and in 30 minutes I made up with my hand speed and punching power for 60 minutes of not knowing how to avoid a take-down.

But in the end, that was the point. To learn something I didn't already know. And while I figure out how to avoid being swept, I know that if I'm fighting on my feet, I have a puncher's chance. Yet the yoga is by far the more revelatory exercise. Knowing how to balance yourself, to be able to move from a crouched position to a handstand - knowing how to control my body - that is worth so much more than the fighting. I can't expect to engage someone if I don't have a full understanding of my own capacity for movement.

I've been lacking a center all this time.